Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic