Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

titanic

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays