Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.