Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.