*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
