Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!