Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

🧠

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.