[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …