[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I am thick and tired. 🙄
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
A French press is when you hug naked
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous