*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
#Caturday
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job