*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
yeah not falling for this one
