Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Bread puns are on the rise!

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.