*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
You Might Also Like
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Mornin
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
The Friday File.
