Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

We decided to have money instead of children.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

This line from Airplane.