*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
This is hilarious….
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
rise and shine we got egg
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.