Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening