Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Me trying to “trust the process”

love it when they get my name right

I love it all

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.