Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

It’s an epidemic…

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Me irl

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

oh u like geography? name every lake

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH