Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

oppen heimer style lol

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

grandparents are too precious for this world

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.