Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING