[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
You Might Also Like
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE