Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.