Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it