Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number