Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Welcome to the stomach
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
#Caturday
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!