Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

#parenting

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.