Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

This line from Airplane.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

the rocks need my help

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.