[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
jesus, what did this guy do
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
barbara was highly relatable
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you