GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
#Caturday
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.