Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.