Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Just a friendly reminder!

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

*bites zombie*

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.