GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid