Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Ha
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer