@abbycohenwl

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

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@edheenan

If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?

@SadPeruna

Sorry about your lost dog.

If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.
If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.

@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@jergarl

Me: OMG I’m so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I’m on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.

@puntmedaddy

I PASSED THE BAR!!!!

Imma turn around tho, I actually really need a drink

@ohen39

me: *crying* I think I have lost my perception of time
doctor: when did it start?
me: [reaching for tissue] 6000 years ago

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@primawesome

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.