Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
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[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
🚲+physics = winner
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?