Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*offers Batman cough drops*
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.