Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.