Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Money is the root of all wealth
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Called it
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.