Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828