Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
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King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
True.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Mistakes were made
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
life finds a way
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again