Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too