Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This billboard speaks to me

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain