Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
stop
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox