Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.