Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

A short story about romance.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I don’t make the rules sorry

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

how DARE

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..