Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
they see me scrollin
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.