Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!