Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
me and the Superbowl rn
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes