Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My time has come.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.