Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
You Might Also Like
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My diet starts in January
of 2027
me 2 months after i graduated
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”