Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?