Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
bro what is going on at twitter
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.