Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Science memes
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more