Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I told my vodka about you.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”