Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no