“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
The most accurate map ever devised.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.