Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”