Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs