Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
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I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”