“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
the clam before the storm
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*