@nealbrennan

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

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@simoncholland

Just ran around the house cheering because the Chopped chef’s dessert turned out even though he was way late to the ice cream machine. We miss sports.

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@mompsychologist

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

@dadtellsjokes

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

@theroneman

[stacks of books on floor]
Impressive, son.
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@CakeThrottle

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

@Thing_Finder

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”