Just ran around the house cheering because the Chopped chef’s dessert turned out even though he was way late to the ice cream machine. We miss sports.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
[stacks of books on floor]
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
if you want a woman to settle down with you be a cat
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”