“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted