“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave