“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.