Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
The first matador
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken