Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

✌️

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.