grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
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Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Somebody’s lying.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
was Jim off killing horses or…
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves