grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
A Short Story.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.