Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.