Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

What’s the point buying it then?

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.