Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
