Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

#oldknees

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE