Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I found your tweet-up…
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
absolutely not
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.